she says, this doesn't hurt.
I spent the whole of yesterday with my mother. we went to SGH for the day operation, but the doctors said it wasn't necessary anymore. I couldn't be more thankful. while waiting to be shipped off from room to room, I had a really good talk with her. for those of you who don't know me, my relationship with my mother is, well, odd. it's always been that way. we are different yet somehow strangely similar, and I can say that among her three children, I am probably the one she doesn't understand the most.
I really don't ask for much from anyone. I think certain things are unnecessary, and others worth fighting for. I care about my future, and the only thing I worry about is not having the people I love to spend those days with me. I love my mother, and yesterday I even liked her. I like and love her as a person, not by default or out of fear or guilt, which is something we all seek, isn't it? for an aging woman she is incredibly brilliant and sharp, and despite her conservative upbringing she's been able to impart some really good modern values to me.
I suppose the hours I spent with her made me realise how little time we have left. I wonder where the hell had I been all this while, when she was going through every stage of her life, the way she'd been for mine. yesterday I finally asked about her job and why she decided to quit in the end- turns out it was because she had to choose between money and children, and she picked us, no matter what.
while I listened to my mother, with every sign of aging showing on her face and in her breath, I couldn't help but admit I doubt I will ever be that selfless. I wonder if I have what it takes to be half as good as she is as a woman, and it upsets me that for now, I'm uncertain. it seems like I'm still fighting with my choices, struggling with reluctance and doubt, even allowing other people to make decisions for me. whenever I feel inadequate it's not because others have belittled me, it's because I honestly think I'm just not cut out for it.
and I wish this wasn't true.