you know what I did. it makes you sick. you're going to tell.
sometimes i feel like i'm too big for my own body.
like i was made to do something more than what i'm already doing now.
i've got all these wild and extravagant ideas about so many things
and i can't seem to put them down properly, maybe because i'm not mature enough.
it seems like such a waste sometimes.
when you think you'd be able to do something great if you were given just one opportunity but that one opportunity needed to make your life so much better never comes along.
so you remain stagnant in your childish environment, and go back to your childish thoughts because being a grown-up doesn't seem so enriching anymore.
you wonder what's the point of having dreams.
currently, i seem to be in some sort of limbo.
it's been ages since anything big has ever happened to me
and i don't see any sort of progression at all.
it's not about me being calculative or ungrateful.
you ask me to self-reflect, but i'll tell you there's no need to reflect and learn if nothing's changed.
i don't feel genuinely happy anymore.
or genuinely...anything.
i seem to live only for that one moment of my life, and once it's gone i just live for another.
nothing seems to
matter.naturally, if we were still living in 2004 i would have blamed all this on you.
i think it's about time i stepped up and took responsiblity for my own issues.
maybe it'll bring me more purpose or something, i really don't know.
it just saddens me to realize that when i lost you, i lost the other part of me that made things a little less painful to deal with too.
like my optimism, my strength and sense of humour.
oh what the
hell happened to my sense of humour.
this year has been such a shit year and i'm just waiting for things to take a turn for the worst so they'll have a chance of getting better.
please, please tell me they will.
maybe God thinks i'm not strong enough to handle anymore setbacks so He's just giving me this period of time to let go and heal.
if so, i wonder if there was really a need to change my attitude into something more cold and relentless, just so i wouldn't hurt.
i don't want to be like this anymore.