no regrets, they don't work.
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you that you wish you could be
He says all the right things
at exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
and you don't know why.
you don't know why.
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well that pretty much sums up my love life right now. if I dare call it one. it's starting to unnerve me- here is the boy of my
dreams and I have him wrapped around my fat fat finger but I just can't bring myself to care enough. I know this isn't going anywhere because it never gets anywhere. not when I'm involved. I want him...I think. but it's no big deal to me because I always want what I can't have. like ice-cream on cold days and the Pink Pill when I'm having my period. you know, stuff that aren't very important but you want them just because.
just because. I could tell him I'm not interested and if he asks why I could just shrug and say 'just because.' and I'll go without any hesitation or regret because he didn't mean more to me than a transparent plastic umbrella on a sunny day.
that's how I've been coping with life lately I realise. handling it with alot of humour and nonchalance. and just quickly moving on, not wasting time to be idle and think about all those what ifs which, by the way, can eat you up inside out. [from experience, they suck.] I'm too young to be burdened with regrets. Nuu says people only realise what they want 'til much, much later. so if I'm clueless right now it won't be so bad. at least I know what I
don't want.
...but I don't don't want him. oh if only you got to meet him you'd realise he's
perfect. I asked for the witty brains, I got the witty brains. I wanted nice hair, he came with nice hair. I wished for the closet kental boy, and voila! he IS the closet kental boy. I wanted him, but maybe I wanted the wrong things. for all the wrong reasons. maybe I want a much older man, or a younger guy. maybe I should date a full-fledged mat with tapered pants- we wouldn't have to worry about getting fat boyfriends! [unless he's really fat but is in denial and still tires to squeeze into those pants oh no oh no oh no.]
but the bottom line is? that if I were to lose him I wouldn't be afraid. I'd say it's no big deal because it really isn't and that's what I'm most concerned about. that I've become this...this cold, callous person who places no great importance in relationships with other people. no faith. no urge to fight to keep. it's not like I don't care- I do. I'm just still messed up. haven't straightened out my life yet to let in someone new. but why is it that I'm always resigned to feeling some extreme emotion, instead of being able to feel things at just the right amount?