where else would I be today without my yesterday?

it's probably too late which makes me even sadder, but I miss my teenage self. because my teenage self hurt too much too often, and she moved along anyway because reality was all she needed. and friends, of course- good friends. my best friends were the ones who stayed with me throughout all my years...the good, bad, bitchy and embarrassing ones. I don't think I made a good role model because I was pretty screwed up. but when I was happy I was the happiest I could ever be, and that made everything worthwhile. I was broken one day, fixed the next, up and running after that. the cycle continued, and I know why I gradually became jaded. it was typical to be 16 and jaded, yet I still miss it because it was who I am and I made no excuses for it.

I can never forget conversations with my best friend who stayed by my side through and through, as we tried our best to fit in and stand out, to feel loved and juggle everything thrown at us. we were probably annoying but dammit we were cute and never meant any harm. it's true that we have changed alot, but it's this type of friendship that you hope you can count on all your life. there can never be a lot of these type of people, which makes the ones you already have so much more special.

nora: what would you have done differently?
me: funny
me: nothing at all.

I had the time of my life in TKGS. I had a small, comfortable group of friends. we were awkward and loyal, sometimes struggling, sometimes successful when we tried. boys broke my heart because that's all they could do at that time. promises were frightening, and there was optimism only because we were unsure- never really certain about how far we could go, but willing to hope that we would eventually get there.

but now I'm here. I can't believe I'm here, 4 years later exactly where I wanted to go. I'm looking back at the days when I dreamt, and I miss it so much. am I still youthful? if I am sure and stable instead of hopeful, is it because I have gotten cocky with knowledge and time? age is not just a number, it tells you how far you are from everything else. I suppose at 20 all I know is that I am far away from the best years of my life. yet somehow it's okay, because I am so proud of Fariza at age 13, 14, 15, 16 because she kicked some ass. growing up was probably the one thing I did right, even if I'd done some of it the wrong way.