because I am twenty years old, and I am at home.
I need inspiration. I need to be able to sit here and allow really interesting and valid words to flow so I can calm myself down and say okay I haven't lost it after all. because right now I am insipid, uninspired, and am sorry enough to regard being able to write a decent confirmation of my existence. it's not that I'm tired or jaded- God knows I've passed that stage of teenage bitterness over people who Just Aren't Worth It long ago. I think it has alot to do with all this idling of late. do I need a job? or do I just want it because boredom will kill what's left of me. I think I just want a purpose, something so much more than being a daughter, and a friend.
look at it this way- it's a Friday night, I am twenty years old and I am at home. no it's not really a big deal, but it's worth asking myself why. why the hell am I here and not out there, and if I were someplace else I wonder if I'll feel just as safe. I don't care about being in the In crowd, because I sure as hell don't need it. it's just that I used to think I wanted structure in my life, and now that I think I'm halfway there I seem to want less of it.
you see the older I become, the more I realise you can't have it all, and that you don't really need that much anyway. when I was growing up I wanted so badly to fit in and be like everybody else- get a good education, quickly find a nice boy who loves his mother so that when you're 25 you can marry him because by 30 you should have 2 of his kids. but now that I'm here it seems perfectly fine to deviate from the norm and quit judging yourself just because everyone else is. I thought I was conventional but I'm more bold than I thought. a fence sitter on the thin line that separates confidence and recklessness, maybe.
what worries me that this is just the talk of a hopeful 20 year old who still thinks the future is bright and exciting. one of my biggest fears is turning 25 and befitting the image of a desperate housewife, in all sense of the word- a married woman who realises there is no time left for all of the dreams she was almost certain would come true. I seem to be the only one who can't wait to grow older, and I have a strange feeling I'll be the only one feeling unsatisfied, as if I didn't know adulthood would be so disappointing.
