the things that get you to believe.

Mum bought a new dining table last week. it can accomodate up to four people. suddenly the number 4 seems so small. it's always been the 5 of us. either 5, or 6 if Amri is around (as he's always been the last 5 years), 7 with Tricia, and 8 with Rizan. 8 is a nice number. when it's 10 it's even better, but 8...I like 8. I like knowing these people have my back, that we're so close we can do almost anything together. I like it when my brother calls us family. not 'like family,' not 'friends' but family. because that's what we are, isn't it.

I can't wait for the wedding because I know it'll be perfect. those two- they're so right for each other. if or when my time comes, perhaps I'll be just as happy. it's always too early to say, too scary to think about the future. you always want to be absolutely sure.

I hardly ever make promises with Rizan. people think I'm not committed enough or that I don't take us seriously but it doesn't bother me. I don't believe in pipe dreams or planning to have an ideal life together with someone else. I think firstly it's important to know where you're heading towards, and if your partner is moving towards the same direction, then good for you. if not, we'll work our way around it, and if not, it's really just too bad. I like that about us. I like it that we trust each other enough to know we'll be there in the long run, but where, when and how...it doesn't matter to me. I have plans for myself, and I admire him for having plans too. don't you have to be a strong individual first before expecting a strong relationship with someone else?

sometimes people ask me who wears the pants in this relationship, and I tell them I'm not sure. if you ask Rizan he'll say we both do, because he likes giving the textbook answer to score points with me. I think neither of us wears the pants- we're so comfortable and secure with where we stand in the relationship that we'd probably rip the pants up into two, turn them into shorts and wear those instead. I guess control and tolerance are never the right words to use- it's about support and accomodation instead. he eats my vegetables because I hate them, I eat his fried chicken to save his diet. what can I say? the boy loves me; temper, unpredictable madness, startling high-pitched laughter and all.

all my life I've been surrounded by strong and stable relationships. I saw them in my parents, my siblings, my siblings with their other halves. a table for 4, if you think about it, can actually squeeze in 6 or even 8 of us. it's all a matter of whether you want to be there or not, whether you can innovate and accomodate to one another during dinner. it'll be uncomfortable at times, and there may even be less food for everybody, but it's really about the people you're with, as it's always been. maybe right now, that's what love should be all about.