and she called me at midnight, a little too late.

I can't help but sigh in envy at young girls in school uniforms holding hands with little boys. seems as if I never got to experience something good and clean like that, but I'm sure it's not true. did I waste my teen years on late nights, assholes and cheap thrills? I really hope I did.

but that's done. I'm going to be turning twenty soon, where the next ten years of my life will determine where I'll be forever after that. at least, I grudgingly think so. I like to think I can go anywhere even when I'm 40 with no kids and 3 cats. but on the other hand, I'm terrified of living alone, and dying alone. do I want to decide what I should be now? not really. surprise me, throw the unknown at me. let me discover what I can do because I want to marvel at everything. I want to turn 20 and still look up at the sky and notice how the every bit of the sun looks like on my glass window. I want to turn 21 with enough grace and maturity, with time to travel and space to breathe fresh clean air and live amongst all kinds of people, without prejudice or hesitation.

I hate being naive. and I know I still am. I crave for good things and want to do so much all the time. my mother never believes me when I tell her I want to leave. even if it were for a day, she'd never think I mean it. but I do. I want to escape now and then and nobody has to know where I am. I don't even need to know if anyone cares. I've been surrounded by good people my whole life that I wonder what it'd be like to start this all over again, alone. it's a terrible wish, and sometimes I hope it'll never happen but you know...it could be worth finding out.

for now it's deadlines and meetings tomorrow, and school and a speech on Friday. can I do it? of course I can. whether I want to is a whole matter altogether.

I think I need a longer break.