if your heart's in a cage...

a) Write down 5 names of people you know who have influenced you and helped shape your identity
b) State why and how they mattered
c) State 10 things about yourself

it's funny how first thoughts are always the most honest. this is why I always believe what people say when they're angry, and void of any patience to think twice about saying something they'll regret. I found myself mentioning my mother in this exercise we had to do just now in 101. I had no idea why over the next 10 minutes I was caught scribbling furiously about the 5 people who mattered. I was even more surprised when I read all of it back, because I never knew I felt that way.

I suppose its because I always thought I know myself better than others do. the big revelation that just knocks you off your chair the moment you realise something new about yourself will always come back to haunt you. it's been 6 hours since the activity and I'm still thinking about the emotional, disturbing confession I'd submitted to my professor. I bet she didn't think anyone would take those questions seriously.

a friend felt exactly the same way I did. those moments are the best, when you know you have someone to feel nervous with you. I thought it was the most cathartic lesson I've had in a while, til I found myself close to tears at the end of it because I really forced myself to come to terms with a few people, and it really helped me deal with unsettling thoughts I've neglected for awhile. when I read my paper again, making sure others didn't have a chance to sneak a peek, I found myself saying 'oh yeah, that's what I've been trying to tell him/her.'

just now before Rizan left, he handed me a postcard he wrote, just for me. upon reading it I knew I was right about him, I knew what I'd written in my little piece of confession was true because today he made me absolutely sure about him.

not to mention my best friend. for 7 years she's been a tremendous influence on me, and to be honest I'm not disappointed at all in the person I've become.

and all along I thought I was responsible for my own identity. I think I've just allowed myself to be taught something new in school. here's to everything learnt today.