How To Make Friends
by Fariza Salleh1) Breed insects, preferably flying cockroaches, in your room. Try doing this by stacking food on your fridge. Or just have a fridge.
2) Be afraid of these insects, preferably flying cockroaches. Get a roommate who's completely terrified of them too.
3) Don't buy insecticides. Instead, tell yourself nothing will come crawling into your room since you've kept it clean by sweeping once every three days, taking the trash out once every week (slight exaggeration).
4) Upon discovering the cockroach is a dangerous threat to your sleep, reputation, and hygiene, run out of your room screaming, knocking on doors and waking the whole floor up, meekly and randomly asking 'hi do you have spraying things for flying cockroaches?'
5) In the midst of watching your lovely neighbours try to catch Stupid Pest in your room, with a plastic cup and old newspaper, no less, chat up with the ones who are standing outside with you. In between your screams, kindly ask 'so what's your name?'
6) When the cockroach has been caught, pretend nothing happened, say your thanks and go to sleep. With the lights on.
