woah woe

you see I've always hated orientation camps. they put me in a spot, in delicate situations I am never comfortable with. because I'm not your average friendly person, and I do have problems making friends. back in jc I was more busy fulfilling my own personal dreams with the small group of people who bothered to stick by me. I didn't want to rub shoulders with everyone- for those I knew I wouldn't have anything in common with, I made sure I stayed on my side of the circle, and they on theirs. and I was happy with the way things were. I liked the skin I was in.

so it's natural that I know why I'm handling this NTU FOC so badly. on one hand I don't want to go, because it's nerve-wrecking to go there on your own and have to make new friends all over again. the girls I know who are going are more of acquaintances, and I wouldn't wanna freak anyone out for being so clingy on the first day. because I hate that. I am supposed to be fearless and confident and sure about everything so why the hell am I pissed scared about ending up being friendless in camp? there are so many things that could go wrong if I go.

on the other hand if I don't go, I might be the only person who doesn't know anyone else on the first official day of school. and that's worse than being left out in orientation camp. because FOC should be a time where you make new friends- people are supposed to be cloyingly sweet, super-helpful and unrealisticly chirpy on first impression. it's supposed to make making friends easier. and I don't wanna get lost come August eventhough I know Nab's gonna be with me. it's just...different from old times, you know? because now that you're older you should be more mature and it's such a chore making friends with mature people. they bore me to death sometimes.

it's weird but I'll admit this much- I'm terrified shitless and extremely insecure about the new school term. I've never been this calculative about making friends but what if the people there don't like me? what if God doesn't have anymore Nuhas and Tutys and Noras and Ah Huis and Liyanas and Weets and Alawiyahs left in this world to be placed in SCI whom I can love, talk to and eat lunch with?