when there is too much time, and only one thing to do.

each time I think about July I get this tingling rush of excitement in me. I don't get these very often. read: most of the days I am emotionless, and when I'm not, I'm uninteresting enough for people to not bother- "what is Fariza feeling today?" "hmm, I don't really care!" the fact is I have been spending the last 6 months as differently as I possibly can, and I'm pleased to announce that no other time has been more awesome than 2006 so far. whaatt a refreshing change this has been.

my problem with being 19, though, is that it gnaws at me- the incredibly ridiculous extremes of being a teen and an adult. on some days when I'm mature (meaning on Mondays only) I find myself so calm, so rational, that it alarms me. because I think I'm not ready to feel so old.

then Tuesday comes, and the rest of the week follows, and I am embraced with much spontaneity and my life suddenly is lived without cause. that's just too much to me because I say I don't want to lose myself in all that...irrelevance. so I bravely face Monday again, only to regret it hours later.

maybe when I'm 20 it'll be a better year.

then again, things could start feeling normal as quickly as July. I start school again, as a freshman. I will be in a completely new environment, where for once, for once! there are people of my age, instead of the tremendous range I have back at work. maybe then I won't have to live two lives- one of caution and second thoughts, and the other of completely forgotten inhibitions.

I'm hoping, just hoping, that the university will teach me how to fuse those two together.