I thought that everything I owned would be destroyed.
I think being an adult forces you to have control. to make decisions and realise not everything on your plate should be enjoyed immediately. sometimes waiting's your best bet. and when you don't have everything that you want, or don't want everything that you have, maybe all you should do is wait.
look at me. I didn't wait and I'm regretting it. I know I should've calmed down but I didn't. instead I rushed into feeling mad, I punished myself by purposely not having fun and I'm thinking the JB trip with my friends would've been more enjoyable had I not been so disappointed. with myself, or others...who knows. all that mattered was that I didn't control my own feelings. and if being an adult means taking care of ourselves and the people around us, taking care of
feelings and actions, maybe we all should try acting like adults now more than ever.
I could kick myself in the face for saying all this. I know, I complain and get upset easily, blowing hot and cold to the people around me. I am volatile and move around this world with the wrong type of attitude. a friend told me I get disappointed easily, I'm always looking for things to fill me up because I have to. I am pretty much empty inside. if it weren't for family and all that good company, I don't know who I'll be. and despite maturing the past few years and trying hard to change, yesterday showed me exactly how little the improvement I made.
it's very frustrating. I am always wanting this but getting something else, falling short (hence this blog address, ha ha) of my own desires. perhaps my problem is forever insisting on creating an edge on everything, writing my life in black or white, because anything else simply won't do. to me, things should be clear cut. obvious. glaringly, embarrassingly obvious.
people say I always want things to go my way. maybe now would be the best time to take a backseat and let them decide. this mental tug-of-war is draining my heart.
today I am nothing but tired.
today I am nothing.
