between the devil and the deep blue sea.

what does it say about me, if everytime I'm with people I'm always worried about what they think of me? does that make me a self-absorbed person, one who is too concerned with personal distractions and hopes to God nobody notices? no wonder I've been quiet nowadays.

I think I am severely self-centred. there are many things in this world that I could choose to be, but this is too attractive to decline and too seductive to go unnoticed. do I have to make every trait about myself destructive and regrettable? don't get me wrong I am thankful. I know who I am and what I'd like to change into. the problem with me is that I am forever frustrated, forever blowing hot and cold to the people around me, til I don't understand why anymore. I wish I could tell you I am so much more mature and rational after years of Shit, but sadly success stories about mad-girls-turned-sane aren't plausible at all.

when I'm by myself I feel at ease. there is no one around to break me, to manipulate me, to criticise me. I find myself craving for so much personal time lately that I wonder where I'll put all my friends should the day come that I warp into the Depressing Hermit. perhaps being reclusive should be a famous characteristic, together with my hopeless dreams of writing beautifully and owning a car someday. it can be tiresome, this jaded side of me. but I know I'll bounce quickly back up because that's just the way that I am- somewhat flighty and weak-willed, but when I come around I am perfectly capable of fiercely standing up for myself.

my thoughts may be whimsical, my speeches, arbitrary and my feet, smelly from gym, but I suppose as much as I say being around company makes me extremely self-conscious and therefore withdrawn, there's something about my friends that tell me they're all good, and I'm terribly lucky to have them around. I just hope my nature to be worrisome and cautious rubs off soon because it sucks having to restrict yourself with so many 'godly' principles. aah please, let me not be the saint that I don't want to be, and am obviously already not.