it's like looking down the barrel of a gun, and it goes off, and out come all these words.

so this is how it feels like when you've hit rock bottom. look at me my birthday is tomorrow but I'm acting like it's the end of the world. I'm not looking forward to turning 19. for one thing I doubt I'll be a man by then, because it seems that's the only way I'll ever be able to leave this country for a holiday without my parents. grow a penis, hey! I wish, I wish to have a dick for my birthday, will someone grant me this one wish please? I am ill, I have snot coming out from my nose, I sound like a fucking 30 year old bapok. why am I feeling so sorry for myself? haha I don't know I guess I couldn't be bothered to even find out. I need to tell you something but I'm scared cos I'm chickenshit, even when I look brave on the outside. just like Alanis when she sang Hand in My Pocket. man I love her, I think she's so cool. I wanna go lie down now, maybe after having a nice short 5-hr nap I'd be able to wake up and make my damn mind about something. I wish things were more clearcut, like black is black and white is white, like Yan can cook but I can't. this world should exist in terms of a simple dichotomy, with no nuances or degrees of any kind. only then will women on Earth say yes when they mean yes, not no, not maybe, not yes-but-don't-you-even-think-about-it. so it's true when people tell me men die young only because they want to.