how to deal.

I am envious of so many people. I look around and I see friends with so much to do, and they're living their lives to the fullest. they're trying out new things, and when they make mistakes they don't regret. I wish it was as easy for me. I know being this incredibly uptight, boring and pedantic woman is exactly the person that I am, whom others have already learned to accept me as, but sometimes I find it...sad. that it's all I'll ever be.

there are some adjectives which people give that will always stick with you. synonymous to your name. like oh there's Jack the Mood-killer or hey I see Helen the Girl Who Pee-ed in Class in Primary 3. I swear when I die I do not ever want people to remember me as someone who didn't really live. that would be my biggest regret, even though cautiously treading on my own Yellow Brick Road with plenty of second thoughts and hesitations for the last 19 years has left me with alot of things to be proud of. do I deserve them? I think I do. I just find myself wanting more.

...lo and behold I have just spontaneously formed a title for myself. Fariza Salleh; pedantic student, vicious girlfriend, half-baked writer, and most importantly, one ungrateful little bitch.

at least it's got a nice ring to it.

God help me; I don't know what's up with the brooding behaviour tonight. I don't think I could be more confusing. rest assured I'll bounce right back up by tomorrow, cos I'm meeting up with some girls and I really cannot wait. perhaps I should stop worrying so much and hang on to every single thing as if my entire life depended on it. if I can't fix it, I should let it go. then again there's no point fixing something that's not broken. and no matter what I feel, my head says I am not falling apart.

suck it up and move on, woman.