it's palpable.

I went to bed at 12. 2 hours later and I'm not even near sleepy.

for an eighteen year old, I'm thinking way too much.

and it's not even my fault tonight. I can't help it that everything suddenly seems so important to me, that I've got 67 things on my mind and I'm far from completing any of them. do you know that the best time to think is before you sleep? and since I never get any sleep these days, it's no wonder I'm thinking all. the bloody. time.

there's something wrong with me. I'm too frantic, too high-strung. too strange to even function. my best friend says I've got 'weird principles.' and I don't know whether to laugh or cry- laugh because it sounds funny, or cry because it sounds true. the past year I think it was those damn principles that often got me into trouble. I've been obnoxious- preoccupied with getting everything I wanted, everything on that list I'm always making. I've been annoying- completely disregarding others and insisting I'm right (most of the time I am, but I realise it's not supposed to be important.) and all these have culminated in a rather dramatic start to the year.

a part of me says this won't end unless I change. how foolish of me to think it'd all go away if I were to just ignore, deny, and do a whole lot of covering up. I thought graduating from that school was the best that's happened to me in 2005, but you know what all those things you did while studying there will somehow manage to find their way back to you, like a leech that does nothing but suck the life out of you, not failing to look ugly at the same time.

sometimes that's what memories only are- little suckers who remind you of the past and prevent you from moving on. they do nothing but cling and cling and weigh you down. I've had a taste of that for a long time. I don't need a second glimpse into 2005 to know things will only be better if I try a little bit harder.

so I'm going to try. you can stand there and judge me, or you can help me. or you can do neither and watch, it's fine. I won't deny an extra heart would help. it's just that I think it's high time I did something about my life instead of thinking aloud why there's so much unnecessary bitching around here.

I suppose it's time to grow up again. how often do you think one can do so in a year?