falling the hard way.

today was absolutely lovely. I had Time on my side, the weather was perfect and we went to bed last night tucking in our little secret with us.

I realise no matter how old I am, I will always be one hippie, down-to-earth chick. because I didn't see anyone else in working clothes removing her shoes, sitting cross-legged at China Square (don't know the name, so I gave it one) and wishing she could roll around the grass and sing songs for awhile. I've always been dreaming of sitting outside in the sun eversince I started working there, so after much cajoling Ah Hui finally gave in and grumpily sat there with me.

it was beautiful. you had to be there to understand what I saw. today was the first in so long that I was able to fully appreciate what I have right now. over Subway sandwiches and cookies, Ah Hui and I talked about life like we've seen it all. maybe it isn't true, but it sure feels like we deserve that pat on the back for overcoming these last few years. funnily enough, I felt young again, laughing over her eating habits and such, just the way being 19 should feel. I've decided to only be 25 when I am 25.

I miss being out in the sun. being close to nature where you have the earth beneath you, and the sky right up there, clear and unobstructed. I miss being able to close my eyes and only hear myself breathing, where deadlines don't exist and meetings aren't important.

I wonder how I can miss being a kid so much when I sometimes am still regarded like one. it's strange how I am teaching children on weekends, but on weeknights my parents are calling me to ask if I'm coming home. funny how my boss thinks I'm old enough to do what he says, and my mother thinks I'm young enough to do what she says. perhaps this should rightfully be the most confusing time for us, because I myself have already regarded this period as the biggest transition of my life. I'm still not sure what I'll become, but I suppose we'll only cross the bridge when we reach it, so there is no point worrying at all.

I'm beginning to love growing up. back in school it used to be a pain, something I would only associate humiliation and injustice with. things aren't very different now, because I do get the occasional unfair treatment, but it's only now that I begin to trivialise them and focus on more important things.

okay bringing my point across is harder than I thought. what I meant was I want to grow up, keep this inner self and forget past experiences, have faith, have my breath taken away and love, love, love.

you see, I'm doing some of these things already.