hope floats. then what?

so I'm something of a dead duck right now. I knew I shouldn't have dealt with it. or meddled in any way. but that's what I've always been good at. if something is right, make it wrong. if something is wrong, make sure it gets worse. it's like there are some people who were born perfect, some who were born all flawed, and then there's me. perhaps rather uncannily, I'd be a suitable spokesperson for those in-betweens, the misfits, those who can't define themselves and just say they're 'special' hoping no one would notice they really aren't.

talking to Lakh yesterday really helped. I mean, no wonder she's a motivational speaker. no wonder she's a psychologist, a school counsellor and teacher all rolled into one. the moment we met I knew I was gonna like her. because she's someone I'd like to be, and since that's a little bit far-fetched right now just knowing people like her is good enough. and she's taught me alot. I trust her. I also think next week will go on just fine, regardless of what happens these next few days.

which, may I add, have the potential to turn out all wrong.

tomorrow I'm signing up for driving lessons. and yes if you know me well enough you'd understand I need to occupy my time with meaningful deeds or I'll go mad. and I think I already am. these past few months I feel I've been growing up too fast or just too slowly, because it seems like I'm not on par with others in terms of intellectual frequencies. is there something wrong with the world or is it just me? now I can't be that self-centred to make it all about my problems, so World, you better change this very minute.

maybe it's just the idea of having to make the transition to 2006. I'm still not done with this year, and I wish it didn't have to leave so quickly. it's unsettling to realise I've got unfinished business I want to deal with before starting January with a clean slate. how sucky it is to be feeling as if you're forever chasing after people and Time.

oh and after last night's meeting with Lakh I've realised I'm generally motivated by pain. haha let me analyse that and come up with all the possible interpretations.