it's a good day to pick up the broken pieces of yourself

so Hari Raya really came and went. I was excited the night before, getting calls from my Budak Hingus and friends. the first day went really well I think; I mean I'm glad my family's always in a good mood on Hari Raya. I'm not surprised about the remarks people gave, about me being too tall and that huge pimple I just had to have that day. I suppose no matter what they say of me I've passed that stage where I care at all. you can't please everyone, which is why I especially can't stand it when people go all lengths to be good, even when they know the other person doesn't deserve that bit of kindness. fine we can keep it at a superficial level, just to cut off all the unnecessary drama but really at the end of the day you don't get anywhere with your forced interest in me.

I'm through with standing up for myself. from now on I'm just going to let you say whatever you want to say about me, because I know in a while you'll get tired of your annoying existence, and then worry about that next. last night a few people whom I love very much actually predicted I was going to turn into a bitter old woman if I was going to continue this attitude of mine. for the record, what attitude? it's called self-preservation- I'm only a product of my own environment, made of contemptuous people, surrounded by people who find sweetness in another's sorrow. where do you go in a place like this but to become like one of them? it's either that or you try to be the heroine, bring good and peace to the world but look around you; everyone's too caught up with their own little important life to worry about yours. I say, toughen up that shell before someone comes around hurting you.

I suppose being part of a family is a fortunate thing; you can be cruel and try to bite off each other's arms but you know you're going to be stuck with them for the rest of your life so you try to make peace, and everyone is happy.