big and stupid [mistake]

you know, I've made alot of mistakes in this short life of mine. actually I think my whole life's been one big mistake so far but I guess you can't think too depressingly right now. some mistakes I've tried correcting but failed, others just corrected themselves, conveniently for me. it's like you want to be better after every unsuccessful attempt in being normal, just to fit in and not be the awkward kid, but you're so used to being different you've no idea how to change anymore.

okay okay. I won't say I'm weird and degrade myself to such a sorry state. I'm just still slightly messed up in this little head of mine, coincidentally made up of ideas that just don't work. of course I'd like to be one of those girls who blossom into perfect women, but I'm already 18 and I'm starting to realise I probably will never get a third chance to mature. you could say I'm young and that I have my whole future ahead of me, but I think I'm still stuck in some leftover childish mindset left by my siblings, who didn't know what to do with them so they thought they could leave it for me to play with. I mean, I'm not in secondary school anymore. if I were still 14 I could shrug this off and say bah it's okay, I have 6 years left to become a better person. but I'm not 14- I'm supposed to have grown out of that skinny-little-girl phase by now.

I haven't. and I'd like to know why. I've graduated from JUNIOR COLLEGE, but I feel like I could fit in with the Tk girls I see walking around, if I wanted to.

I've had this strange, secret desire to be an adult eversince I was young. I suppose I liked the idea of being in control over your own life, living independently and getting opportunities to make your own decisions. 10 years ago I thought being 18 was a big deal. [of course, I also couldn't wait to be 12 but I was stupid and young so excuuuse me.] 8 years later and I'm where I wanted to be, but the 18 year old Fariza has no idea where to go. maybe I've built up the idea of being an adult so much that when I finally got there, searching frantically for the One Big Thing that's supposed to happen to you when you reach this age, I felt disappointed. this whole year's been a major let-down, I couldn't stress more on that. especially when I remember telling myself in December 2004 I was going to make '05 one of the best years of my life.

whoooo was I kidding.

but! looking on the bright side, the year hasn't ended yet. I still have 2 more months to go, and I can't rule out the possibility of them turning out superbly well. I could magically transform into a beautiful woman with awesome brains and sense of humour in 60 days, you'll never know. I already have plans on what to do after the Shit Exams [whether I DO them is a whole new problem] and I'm about to date a hot writer! well that really depends on the individual's point of view hahaha but you know I'd like to end this entry on a happy note. =]

lovelove!