Just don't ask me what it was

I've never liked the feeling of being sick. I know you'd probably say hey it happens to everyone, get a grip you can't be so strong all the time. but I would like to be, and I feel sometimes my being sick hinders all that. it's frustrating. when I can't do something because I feel weaker than usual. or when I get the occasional fainting spells [like we haven't heard enough of that already.]

today was no exception. I felt disappointed with myself. maybe even embarrassed because I couldn't even keep it together to go to school and complete my exams in the morning. please do not render me weak or incapable of performing basic tasks; I do try. honestly I do. and when I say I'm fine I'm not just doing the 'girly' thing and pretend to be alright.

I am okay. I promise.

so tomorrow is our last day. I can't say enough about how thrilled I am now that it's coming to an end. past few weeks have been utter shit. I like knowing I've got a few days of rest before continuing with my thoughtless revision again. if I seem like I haven't got any time for you, do understand. this whole year hasn't exactly been a walk in the park to begin with. for the record I had a totally messy relapse a few days ago, because I chose to do the stupid thing and think about him. and my pathetic state. fuck I don't know why I have this thing about feeling sorry for myself. like things would change whenever I think it should.

I still miss you. and it's alright if they don't understand. I don't get myself sometimes too.





bless my dad for coming home with a shiny apple just for me.