only if you dare

my father lets me listen to some of his old CDs and I think my favourite so far has to be the Eagles one. I grew up listening to them and it's nice knowing you can tell others your father taught you to play the guitar. it's not something everyone can say, you know what I mean. he said I had the fingers for it, right after PSLE when I told him I was running out of things to do. unfortunately I never had that passion for guitars the way he and my brother did, so the novelty wore off on its own after a few years. I'm not sure if they're disappointed or not, but sometimes when they ask if I'd want to join in when they're jamming in my brother's bedroom and I say I've got other things to do, I feel like I've been a letdown and never made the effort to make the family work. I envy my brother sometimes because he's always had something his siblings don't; talent. charm. and most importantly time with Dad.

as much as I love my father I never really make it obvious. it's kinda like a silent understanding between us; just because I don't say it, doesn't mean the feeling's not there. and sometimes I think if I were to have a family of my own, it might not end up just like the one I'm in now. I'm afraid I wouldn't know how to raise a family on my own and if I fail it'll just be another reflection of the family I came from. I love all of them, I honestly do. if I were to grow up and am forced to settle down on my own, what I have then will never come close to what I have now. which is partly the reason why I'd rather not settle down at all. what's so bad about living with your parents when you're 30?

[incoherent. that's what this entry is by the way.]

so they told me I may have just lost all faith in love. I didn't think it's that obvious; why do you girls have to see right through me all the time? I swear I'm making the effort, and it's not like I'm stopping anyone from loving me. mmhmm. I love my friends don't I? not to mention the school food. and I occasionally love that hot vision we see now and then. [oh how I hate saying that word out loud.] but perhaps my relentless attitude towards anyone who deceives me by making foolish promises can get a little out of control. [you said you couldn't live without me and now you're without me so what happens next?] I wish I was more appeasing and kind towards people like you. so go on, love me if you want to. but if I don't feel the same way back, don't you dare psychoanalyse me and say I have a problem with love, you ungrateful boy youdon'tknowhowluckyyouare. [didn't I just say I wish I could be more kind?]

maybe I should lose my faith in love too just like you
"but I DO have faith in it I do"
fine then say it out loud
"I do have faith!"
in what?
"in lo- I can't say it I hate it."

my point of saying all this is that I came across a very nice old song that may be relevant to the context of this entry. it's called Desperado and the Eagles sang it. you should go listen to what I don't say.

[before it's too late]