we can pat ourselves on the back and say we tried.

yesterday I amazed myself by saying things I'd usually think twice about. I suppose I've got a few leftovers of him inside somewhere. because it must be the reason why I blurted out everything to her and tried imposing on her generosity and understanding nature by insisting my opinions were right. which I think was quite unfair so Ammers if you're reading this don't change your mind. do what you want...you should be given that chance. =]

I wish it didn't have to come to this. in a way I've allowed myself to build a protective shield around my whole world and though it's snug, familiar and safe I feel I need more space and there's that feeling of suffocation because you'll always be inhibited by your old lessons. I'm sure I can think for myself without that voice in my head getting louder and louder, hurling morbid thoughts at me and making me change my mind whenever I'm about to decide.

I found out a few days ago that I always lose control whenever I'm talking to friends. I get angered at my own situation, I'm reminded of my stupidity and instead of helping them and making their burdens lighter I end up proliferating my own bottled up emotions.

so we never actually get anywhere. the problem shared wasn't really halved.

I have to practise self-control and self-awareness. I have to stop telling myself everyone's the same; being bound by their own agenda and never having time to be kind to others. that eventually they will betray, they will disappoint

...and they will leave.