I was me, but now she's gone

I wish I could find some bit of motivation in any form I don't care I'm just desperate to get back to the way I was, when school was more exciting and we had things to do instead of sitting at the staircase wondering how to spend our Wednesday afternoons now that training has ended. I want to feel like I belong somewhere, that I know who I am to others and to myself. I feel lost, and I hope I'm not alone in this. I don't ever want to panic like the way I did back in secondary school, when I was so emotionally dependent on other people and you know how they always come and go so when a particular one left I told myself I couldn't cope anymore. but right now I don't want to just cope with things I want them to be okay.

you know what I think I need a routine, because at least with that I can have control and I'll be more prepared with anything that's gonna happen next. I don't want to be idle and go through senior year being nothing and doing nothing, where anything goes and I can be happy with just being the simple-minded girl I've turned into, who has no actual opinions and does things because people are doing them too. it's so sickening and tiring I don't even know who I am anymore.

sorry if I've been complaining too much I realise it's getting pathetic.

I miss my old self. if you can find her, please let me know and tell her to come back.